Parenting by the Principles of Grace, Part Two

How We View God Determines How We Parent Our Children

After being a father for five years, I am convinced that parenting is one of the most difficult challenges believers face. None of us wants to mess up our kids. We all want our children to believe the gospel of grace for their eternal salvation. Moreover, it would also be nice if our kids would embrace the message of grace and remain in the doctrine for the duration of their lives. Yet, many of us worry we are screwing up our kids. In fact, many are burdened with guilt over past failures and fear of future mistakes. Many of us fall back on our default setting, and parent our children similarly to the way our parents raised us. As we all know, this type of copy cat parenting is not always good.

How can we offer gracious leadership for our kids in the midst of a culture that has gone berserk? Culture relativism and postmodern philosophy challenge the very nature of absolute truth. Where lying, cheating, stealing, and pushing your weight around at the expense of someone else used to be recognized as wrong, now they are accepted if the situation calls for it. Where the word of God used to be the box top people used for guidance in assembling the puzzle pieces of life, now the notion that any absolute standard of truth exists is viewed as close-minded and exclusive.

Ineffective Parenting Models

In Grace-Based Parenting, author Tim Kimmel discusses seven common evangelical parenting models that he believes to be deficient. According to Kimmel, the proof of an effective parenting model lies in how prepared our children are to enter the world of adulthood and not be intimidated by those who do not share our Biblical worldview. Kimmel writes:

The proof that any model of parenting is effective is not how the parents and children get along. It isn't even how well they treat and respect each other after they are all grown up. Even nonreligious families can accomplish this. The real test of a parenting model is how well equipped the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race. Notice I didn't say "as vital members of the Christian community." We need to have kids that can be sent off to the most hostile universities, toil in the greediest work environments, and raise their families in the most hedonistic communities and yet not be the lest be intimidated by their surroundings. Furthermore, they need to be engaged in the lives of people in their culture, gracefully representing Christ's love inside these desperate surroundings.(1)

Grace based parents ought not measure the effectiveness of their parenting by comparing their kids to others, for this will surely led down the path of legalism. II Corinthians 10:12 states, "For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise."

Kimmel submits the following seven models as ineffective for demonstrating grace to our children. Grace-Based Parenting discusses these seven parental mindsets in descending order beginning with the most prevalent.

• Fear-Based Parents—are scared of Hollywood, the Internet, the public school system, Halloween, drugs, alcohol, rock'n'roll, rap, unbelieving softball teams, and liberals. "Fear based parents assume that obedience to a stricter and tighter standard will somehow help them raise better children.(2) As a result, fear drives these parents to erect unnecessary defenses around their children under the misguided notion that God's favor for having done so will protect their kids. "Fear based parenting is the surest way to create intimidated kids. It's also the surest way to raise Christian kids who either don't have any passion for lost people, are indifferent to the things of God, or out-and-out rebel against their parents, their church, and the Lord."(3)
  
• Evangelical Behavior-Modification Parents—"this is an offshoot of fear-based parenting that assumes the proper environment, the proper information, the proper education, and the absence of negative influences will increase the chances of a child's turning out well. This parenting plan works from two flawed assumptions: 1) the battle is primarily outside the child (it's not); and 2) that spiritual life can be transferred onto a child's hear much like information is placed on a computer hard drive (it can't)."(4)
  
• Image-Control Parents—adhere to a checklist method of parenting that is part of the seduction of legalism. "Image—control parenting assumes that people will know you are a good Christian parent raising nice Christian offspring by your church attendance, they way you dress (or don't dress), they way you cut your hair (or don't), the words and expressions you sue (or don't use), the schools you attend (or don't attend), the movies you see (or don't see), or the amount of Scripture you can quote."(5) In short, all decisions are made based on how the family will appear to others.
  
• High-Control Parents—"There is a vast difference between parents who keep their children under control and parents who control them. High-control parenting happens when we leverage the strength of our personality or our position against our children's weaknesses to get them to meet our selfish agenda. This form of parenting is fueled by a combination of toxic fear, toxic anger, toxic bondage, toxic shame, and toxic strength." "High-control parents are blind to how they are treating their children because high-controllers can always morally justify every move they make. Because they are so convinced that their controlling tendency is right, they can't see how destructive it's effect is on their children."(6) These parents are easily frustrated when their children fail to conform to their standards. Moreover, they are almost never willing to admit when they are wrong.
  
• Herd-Mentality Parents—"these are parents who follow the crowd . . . These parents aren't known for thinking as individuals. Instead they follow the fads in how they eat, dress, vacation, educate their kids, and worship." Rather than knowing their children individually and applying God's word to each situation, Herd-Mentality parents look around and parent like everyone else.(7)
  
• Duct-Tape Parents—"rather than figure out how to fix their parenting issues, these families cope by patching their problems. Temporary solutions are sought when crisis arise. These families are usually running on empty—to busy, too many bills, and too focused on the immediate rather than the permanent."(8)
  
• Life-Support or 911 Parents—"these homes are much like the duct-tape families but with the added feature that a particular crisis is dominating their focus. They may be consumed with a medical or economic crisis. Or the crisis maybe the result of the deterioration or collapse of a marriage."(9)

While Kimmel is not a mid-Acts dispensationalist and therefore lacks the theological support structure for his teaching on grace, it is clear that he does understand some of the practical aspects of grace-based living. After articulating the seven defective parenting models described above, Kimmel offers the following summation of why they are lacking:

All the parenting styles listed above have this in common: they are the result of a parent's theology. Their theology is a combination of the way they view God and the way they think He views them. If we have flawed theology regarding God's attitude towards us, it can automatically crate a chain reaction of flawed decisions in how we raise our children. It can also set up our children to miss the joy of God, the heart of God, and the power of God in their personal lives. This is a recipe for the child to rebel and reject a parent's primary belief system.

This is a powerful truth: how we view God determines how we parent our children. For those of us who call ourselves grace believers, and claim to be living the grace life, we need to consider this question: do we truly apply what we say believe about God's grace when we deal with our children? What are we teaching our kids about God through how we parent them? Much of what our children believe about God in their early years is formed through the type of leadership we provide for our children. In short, we need to parent our kids the way God deals with us, in grace.

Judgmental and Legalistic Parents

Kimmel articulates two overarching attitudes that mark the defective parenting styles outlined above. Judgmental and legalistic parents fail to communicate to their children the unconditional love and grace of God. Please consider the following descriptions:

• Judgmental Parents—"spend most of their time making sure their family is better than the ones around them. They live to monitor everyone else. Their children are supposed to support their concerns about what is wrong with everyone around them. If you were to see them in action, you would notice them pointing their fingers at others and having little to do with anyone who doesn't see life their way. They can be especially hard on children who don't accept their narrow view of life." Their advice to their children is a mixture of: 'God is watching you, and so am I,' and 'You may be bad, but you're better than so-and-so.' "When it comes to boundaries, their exhortation to their children would be: "if it feels good, it's probably wrong!" When it comes to God, they are so distracted by looking down on other families that don't see life their way, they don't really enjoy God much."(10)
  
• Legalistic Parents—"spend most of their time trying to make sure their family does everything right. They live to keep score of their own good deeds. Their children are supposed to help them stack up "brownie points" with God. If you watch them in action, they appear burdened and stressed out. They are especially hard on children who don't toe the line." Their advice to their kids is a combination of: 'You owe God so you better get busy,' and 'You may be bad, but if you try harder, you can ultimately please God.' "When it comes to boundaries, their exhortation to their children would be: "if it feels good, stop it!" They assume that what God demands of them should be their primary business. When it comes to God, they feel they need to reimburse Him.(11)

Children who are raised by judgmental parents come of age with a sense of spiritual superiority. Whereas kids raised in legalistic homes tend to leave home feeling inferior and guilty. Often the offspring of legalistic homes rebel and live their lives in stark contrast to the oppressive values of their parents.

Grace-Based Parenting

Contrasted with judgmental or legalistic parents, those who rear their children with grace as their model are inherently unafraid of the evil that surrounds them. Grace-based parents understand their own propensity toward sin. As a result, the grace and forgiveness they have received from Christ motivates them to love and good deeds for the right reasons. Not motivated by the needed to do penance, grace-based families don't stand in judgment over struggling people. Rather, they see themselves in struggling people and understand how much of God's love they have received. Consequently, kids reared in a Grace-based home are daily recipients of the same grace their parents rejoice in. Grace-based parents offer the following advice to their children: 'you are a gift from God; go make a difference,' and 'you may struggle doing the right thing sometimes, but you're forgiven.'(12) When it comes to boundaries, grace-based parents teach, "if it feels good, examine it in light of God's word rightly divided."

As we discussed last week, grace does not exclude obedience, respect, boundaries, or discipline, but it does determine the atmosphere in which these important parts of parenting are carried out. Grace allows us to tailor our parenting style and decision-making process around the unique bent of each child. Grace helps us determine what rules need to be written in pencil and which ones should be written in blood.(13) In short, God's word draws boundaries for acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Grace allows these boundaries to be enforced without crushing the spirits of our children.(14)

Endnotes:

1. Tim Kimmel. Grace-Based Parenting. (Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group, 2004), 9.
   
2. Ibid., 13.
   
3. Ibid., 13.
   
4. Ibid., 13.
   
5. Ibid., 14.
   
6. Ibid.., 14-15.
   
7. Ibid., 15.
   
8. Ibid., 15.
   
9. Ibid., 15-16.
   
10. Ibid., 16-17.
    
11. Ibid., 17-18
    
12. Ibid., 19-20.
    
13. Ibid., 22.
    
14. Ibid., 19-20.