Parenting by the Principles of Grace, Part 1

Confessions of a Tent Making Grace Preacher

Let me begin this journey by telling you a couple of things about myself. First, my wife, Rebekah, and I have been married for almost ten years. Three weeks after we got married, I began preaching at West Side Grace Church in Muskegon Heights, Michigan at the ripe old age of twenty-three. Still in college, I struggled to juggle my marital, ministry, and academic responsibilities. In 2002, I completed my undergraduate studies with a dual bachelor's degree in Secondary Education and Religious Education. That same year I was ordained by Berean Grace Church in Genoa City, Wisconsin and officially installed as the Pastor of the Muskegon Heights assembly.

In 2003, I landed my first full time job as a high school social studies teacher at a public charter school in Cedar Springs, Michigan. In the meantime, having purchased our current home, Becky and I decided it was time for us to begin our family. After almost two years Andrew, our first son was born in January of 2005. In December of 2006, I began working on my Masters Degree in Military History in order to retain my teaching credentials with the state of Michigan. Prior to beginning this eighteen month accelerated program, Becky and I decided that we would wait under after I was finished to have a second child.

In June of 2007, only seven months after beginning my Masters Degree, Becky unexpectedly was pregnant with our second son. In the meantime, things with our assembly had taken a turn for the worse resulting in my resignation in October 2007. The very next week, a core group of saints met and began forming our current assembly, Grace Life Bible Church. December of 2007 brought even more change as I finally landed a teaching job at a large public high school in Greenville, Michigan after five years of searching. That same week Becky's beloved grandfather died after a long struggle with cancer. In addition, Daniel, our second son was born two days after Christmas.

To recap, heading into 2008, I was trying to balance a new child, new job, new ministry, to finish my Master's degree, and to see to the needs of my wife and eldest son. Needless to say, my cup was running over and making a mess all over the floor. Throw in a colicky baby and the resulting lack of sleep, and it's a miracle Becky and I survived. Not very gracious I know.

It is now 2010. Thankfully, the pressure cooker of life has released some of its steam. Needless to say, life remains a juggling act between marital, parental, ministerial, and work responsibilities. Looking back, it is easy to see how being in survival mode for such a long period of time adversely impacted my family, particularly my wife and oldest son. Throughout our ordeal, Becky struggled with my being gone to teach other people the truth about God's grace while I was struggling to make spiritual connection with her. Likewise, rather than offering gracious leadership for Andrew, my parenting resembled something of a duct tape approach. Rather than addressing the spiritual issues that lay at the heart of my son's struggles, I offered a legalistic discipline that was designed to solve the latest crisis that was distracting me from my list of priorities.

In her wisdom, my wife knew that the inertia of life was pulling us down the wrong path. Desperate to right the ship, she reached out to one of her Christian friends who recommend the book Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel. Michelle shared with Becky how Mr. Kimmel's book had helped her in dealing graciously with her two children. Knowing in my spirit that things needed to change, I immediately purchased the book and began reading it with Becky. Instead of offering instant liberation, we felt condemnation as we both came face to face with the mistakes we were making. Rather than suffer any more heartache, the book was placed on Becky's dressed where it collected dust and remained untouched for the next nine months.

Meanwhile, time marched on, and Andrew celebrated his fifth birthday in January of this year. While relationships at home improved as life slowed down, things Andrew would say to me caused me to wonder how he viewed God. For example, after Andrew would be disciplined for not listening to Becky or me, he would say things like "Jesus doesn't love me anymore." Initially, my reaction was to ignore this as an attempt to get my goat after having punished him. However, as these exchanges continued over time and were coupled with more interest in Spiderman than evening Bible reading, I began to worry that the way in which I was correcting my son was impressing a legalistic view of God upon his little mind.

Two steps ahead of me as usual, Becky dusted off Grace-Based Parenting and began reading it without me. Finally, after weeks of ignoring the spirit's work in my inner man, I picked up the book and began reading it on my own. It was so insightful that I finished the entire book in one week. Mr. Kimmel's common sense grace approach offered a new perspective on my job as a parent as well as what my parenting style had been communicating to my son.

While some might find it scandalous that a grace preacher would struggle in demonstrating grace toward his children, I submit that I am not alone in this short coming. I rejoice that grace gives me the ability to be candid about my own failings. The bottom line is that we as parents, particularly grace parents, need to deal with our kids the same way God deals with us. While some might argue that my son's struggles are typical for five year olds, I know in my inner man that Grace has not been the driving force behind the way I deal with my sons. Rather, I have been more concerned about what people in my family or church would think of my wife and me if our kids behaved in certain ways. Just as grace gives us the freedom to be different, candid, vulnerable, and to make mistakes, we need to extend the same freedom to our children without crushing their spirits and turning them off to the truth of God's word rightly divided.

Children need boundaries. Grace does not promote or give one license to sin as many have suggested. Rather, grace teaches us how to live "soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world," according to Titus 2:11-12. Paul, using the language of grace, reiterates the moral standards God included in the Ten Commandments. For example, Paul's writings prohibit idol worship, use of the Lord's name in vain (corrupt communication), stealing, lying, adultery, murder, a covetous spirit, and promote children obeying their parents. In fact, only the command to honor the Sabbath is not restated by Paul as a moral standard for the body of Christ. In short, true Biblical grace does not tolerate untruth or sin. Likewise, we should not turn a blind eye to these behaviors in ourselves or our children.

At this point you might be wondering why I am so frank with sharing my parental shortcomings. The simple answer is that I know that I am not the only one that struggles with these issues. Human nature and the human experience is universal. For those of you who haven't noticed we have a serious challenge of keeping the second and third generation of Grace kids in the doctrine. I personally believe that one of the reasons for this phenomenon is the double standard that exists within so many grace homes. Our kids grow up listening to messages about grace but then don't experience grace in any meaningful way at home. This disconnect between what we teach and how we act does not go unnoticed by our children. Herein lies the reason why I have chosen to write on this topic - I want to share some of the practical tips I learned for reading Grace-Based Parenting.

As I post these articles over the coming weeks, I am by no means claiming to be an authority of the subject of Grace-Based parenting. Rather, I am trying to generate some honest dialogue about this sensitive and often overlooked aspect of the Grace Life. Please feel free to share your own successes and defeats. It is my prayer that all our homes can be a refuge of grace for our children as we raise them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.